The aftermath of abuse: Mental Illness

Disappointed in myself

I don’t know about ya’ll, but today I’m having a rough day. I had to deal with my ex narcissist yesterday because he had to pick our daughter up. I’ve been shaken up ever since. How the hell does he have that power over me? The power to screw with my emotions and heart, when I’d most certainly stopped giving a shit? Right?

I’ve worked my damn fool heart off, at healing myself, by myself, from the narcissistic abuse and torture my exes have shoved down my throat in the last 22+ years. (I was married to one for 17 (separated after 15) and then dated one for a short time resulting in an amazing angel/monster of a daughter). It must sum up to tens of thousands of hours by now, that I’ve educated myself and attempted to heal myself from these spawns of satan. Why did it only take an hour to revert back to my abused self?

It’s been over 24 hours and thankfully I’m finally coming down from my dumbass attack. But, why? If you read my prior post, I explained how he went from insulting me to the highest (which abusers do), to an hour later bringing me food, smokes, and my favorite bottle of booze. His halfass way of apologizing for being a dick was that he had gotten a piece of metal in his eye a week before and as a result of them digging it out with a needle, he’s had a bad migraine. And this is where my mind drops off the planet….I wanted to believe that he was apologizing in his own way,for talking to me the way he had been, earlier that day.

And lets just understand that this narc isn’t a “gift giver”. The few times I can think of that he ever gave me anything, were times that he was apologizing for some bullshit. So, right then, as I said my mind fell off. My heart swelled up because that’s what happens when you’re a real person and someone apologizes for something. So I’ve been in a stupid ass mood ever since. I even made the mistake of texting him today, knowing he was with his girlfriend and wouldn’t respond. Which just dug the knife in deeper. Yes, I know, I’m a frickin idiot sprinkled with toothpaste and motor oil.

I’ve spent the day in my own head, thinking of all the good times the POS and I had, and forgetting about the savage, evil things he’s done. I was upset with him for ignoring my texts and was taking it personally, to the heart. And I let him hurt me, again. He knows that I hate it when he ignores me, and I know he’s with his girlfriend, that he denies he has. But it just reminded me, after I had the entire day to remind myself, that he doesn’t give two shits about me and the only reason he brought me gifts was so he could expect something from me later. Even though I’d given him a really nice, thoughtful gift, from our daughter. I don’t know how to think. I ruined my whole day, expecting him to respond like I wish he was capable of.

I feel so stupid and I want to punch myself in the face for letting him get to me like that. We’ve been going on with our lives, thanks to me dumping him and going no contact for a very long time. I thought I had it all figured out…and then I failed myself 😦

An apology from a narcissist?

This blog is about mental illness and abuse survivors. It doesn’t matter what type of abuse, what age/s it happened, or what your diagnoses are, we are all in this fight together.

That being said, I’m going to post a lot about narcissism because I’ve been the victim of them from the day I was born. Not only that, the dymanic of a narcissist is so far from a typical person’s psyche that it often blows peoples minds. Including mine. I cannot fathom how their minds work and it draws me to try to understand them better. I’ve done a lot of research on the subject, for over 10 years now, probably closer to 15. I started my journey to acquaint myself with narcissism when I couldn’t figure out why my husband was so f*cking crazy! I phoned a therapist at one point when we’d had one of our 10 separations. I explained all of his behaviors to her and after talking for a little while she threw out the term ‘narcissist’. I’ll get into all of that in another post but that’s a little bit of the history of how I became so enthralled with these crazy-makers.

The narcissist today:

As I stated above, I’ll get into my story more and more over time, it’ll take forever to give all of the details. But,anybody that knows anything about narcissism will probably end up shaking their heads as they’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my God, is she explaining my narc?”.

So today was the day of the week where my ex picks our daughter up from my place. I had asked him if I could possibly keep her an extra couple days to take her to a better doctor, she’s had thick, nasty mucus issues going on forever and his doctors don’t do anything about it. Anyways, he started out being a total ass right off the bat. “Why do you need to take her to the doctor over there (he lives in MN and I’m in WI) when you can just come take her during the week and drop her off at daycare? The thoughts in my head: First of all, dumbass, there’s no reason I can’t have her an extra couple of days so I can bring her to another doctor, a better one, and find out what’s wrong with the poor baby girl (3 years old)?

Oh boy, that lead to both of us spouting off: So, we kept going back and forth. First it was about our daughter going to the doctor and the fact that there’s no reason I can’t have her a couple extra days. Then in went to, “You’re a horrible mother and you’ve never taken care of our daughter maybe you should do something for her for a change.”

Blah blah blah, more of the typical narcissist conversation

Of course everything he’s saying is him trying to make a jab at me, to hurt my feelings. Nothing he said was the truth. He was going on and on about how great he is and how much a piece of shit I am. Insults flying back and forth (yes, I fell into the trap for a second but the point of the text in the first place was about our daughter and he pissed me off because he gives bullshit reasons for not letting me help, and then says I don’t help) and after a few texts back and forth we just gave up and said we’d see each other at 6, pick-up time.

Well paint me pink and call me a piglet:

Sure enough, just before he got to my house (it’s an hour and a half drive), he text me and asked me to make up an excuse to my mom that we needed to go to town for something, so could she watch the youngin. I said, “No Way”, of course. I think half the time when he asks me that (it happens at least once a month and sometimes daily for a week or two), he’s just trying to rile me up and see what I say. Of course he’d do it, but it’s just part of the narc games.

The Gifts:

He came up to the house with my favorite burger from Hardees, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of peach Brandy (my favorite drink). I’m like, WTF? He said, “Merry f*cking Christmas, here’s your present.” {on a side-note, we always fight and/or he just pisses me off on purpose, but I decided to be the bigger person (like I always am) and made him a really sweet fridge magnet with 8 different pictures of him and our daughter. Took me hours to find the perfect photos to put on it. It turned out awesome. He was being a huge asshole the day I brought it to him too, inside baby girl’s backpack. So when I left he found it and thanked me. I didn’t respond to that or talk to him for a week and a half after that. I was so angry the way he treated me on Christmas Eve I wanted to scream and strangle him at the same time. So, I don’t even talk to him very often but I kinda believed that he appreciated the gift. He never gives me shit from the little. Never has. But anyways, that was his reason for bringing the “Christmas presents”.

It hurts my brain

Just another typical narcissist move. It makes you crazy dealing with them, it’s a wonder I haven’t been in the looney bin. For real. But this is how they get you. When you HAVE to communicate with them, it’s difficult to be nice to someone that totally ruined your life (more on that another day), but I can’t stoop to his level, I just can’t. Some people may have declined the “gifts” but hell no. He owes me, you have no idea. It was certainly his narc way to apologize. And then he thanked me again for the magnet I made him, on his way home. So, does this mean that narcissists CAN be sorry? Doubt it.

Need help with blog: Newbie

Hello people, I’m sorry for the topic because it has nothing to do with the issues my blog is about. But, I can’t seem to figure anything out on this site and I’ve never blogged before so I’m getting stressed out.

I can’t figure out how to add a background to each page I start. Then I seem to get lost on this site and can’t find the page I was trying to find. I’ve looked at their Help website and attempted to find the answers there but couldn’t seem to find them. If anyone can help, please and thank you in advance.

That being said, I’ll be writing more on my blog topics soon. I have so much to say but I want to get the blog and technical issues out of the way so that each page is shown the way I’d like it to be. Like I said I’m a newbie so I don’t know a whole lot about making this interesting. I hope I can find some followers someday.

I know it takes time to build a blog/website and make it successful, I’m just impatient I guess lol I love to write about my life and to also help others at the same time. That is my goal and will always be my goal. I can’t wait to get educated on blogging so that I can get to the good stuff. Sorry this is so boring. Please don’t give up. Thank you!

The Devil vs Narcissists

I was reading about Narcissism again today, like most days unfortunately. It does help me to understand and to heal from the abuse I’ve been through at the hands of several narcissists in my life. Not all lovers.

I was going over some of the things I read today in my mind, and I happened to think of this theory: A narcissist is no different than the devil.

They both pop up in our lives when we least expect it, and try to influence us into things that we’d never do normally. They abuse our emotions and manipulate them. They WANT us to do evil things (i.e., live depressed, do drugs and alcohol, act out and cause dysfunction in every part of our lives, they cause us to be severely insecure to the point where, if we let them (unbeknownst to our psyche) they will help us ruin our entire lives.

The devil and a narcissist are no different. Their common goal is to manipulate people into submitting to them and becoming a shell of who you once were. For some unbelievable reason, this behavior, and the results, make them feel powerful and indestructible. And then they move on to the next person and con them into the same fate.

The only difference I can come up with is that; not everybody submits to the devil. There are many people out there that have strength and/or the confidence in the good Lord to deny the temptations of the devil.

The narcissist always wins his game. So, that begs the question, are narcissist equal to or worse than the devil?

Depression Sucks

The biggest thing I deal with on a daily basis is depression. That’s the only D i’m getting, if that tells you anything. I can barely get out of bed most days let alone get out of the house and hopefully find the D that I actually enjoy.

I’ve had so much happen in my life that’s negative, since the day I was born, that I can’t seem to pull myself out of zombie mode. I go through spurts of bouncing around and feeling halfway human but when I’m down, I’m all the way down. It’s like being stuck in the gutter with Pennywise. Scary, dark, and surviving on my own. Good thing I’m a ninja.

I’m on medications but I think they contribute to my zombie-ness. I imagine a mood stabilizer would stabliize your mood. It’s tough going from Amanda Bynes to a sedated Amanda Bynes. Somedays I kind of miss being Amanda Bynes, at least there’s some fun and energetic days.

It makes me less of a bitch though so I have to look at the positive side of my meds. Without them I’m definitely a shaved head Britney Spears. I miss having a personality also. I’m usually frickin hilarious and witty, at times child-like, but with the D I’m just blah. I smile about as much as Robert DeNiro. Usually I get compliments on my smile and personality, I love that. Now I can’t even be around people and I’m just a lump of boohoo. Ok, so I’m done boohoo’ing for now. Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day. Hugs and love to all.

I wish you all a great day and Happy New Year! Please comment with your bouts of the D. The bad D, not the good D.