Disappointed in myself

I don’t know about ya’ll, but today I’m having a rough day. I had to deal with my ex narcissist yesterday because he had to pick our daughter up. I’ve been shaken up ever since. How the hell does he have that power over me? The power to screw with my emotions and heart, when I’d most certainly stopped giving a shit? Right?

I’ve worked my damn fool heart off, at healing myself, by myself, from the narcissistic abuse and torture my exes have shoved down my throat in the last 22+ years. (I was married to one for 17 (separated after 15) and then dated one for a short time resulting in an amazing angel/monster of a daughter). It must sum up to tens of thousands of hours by now, that I’ve educated myself and attempted to heal myself from these spawns of satan. Why did it only take an hour to revert back to my abused self?

It’s been over 24 hours and thankfully I’m finally coming down from my dumbass attack. But, why? If you read my prior post, I explained how he went from insulting me to the highest (which abusers do), to an hour later bringing me food, smokes, and my favorite bottle of booze. His halfass way of apologizing for being a dick was that he had gotten a piece of metal in his eye a week before and as a result of them digging it out with a needle, he’s had a bad migraine. And this is where my mind drops off the planet….I wanted to believe that he was apologizing in his own way,for talking to me the way he had been, earlier that day.

And lets just understand that this narc isn’t a “gift giver”. The few times I can think of that he ever gave me anything, were times that he was apologizing for some bullshit. So, right then, as I said my mind fell off. My heart swelled up because that’s what happens when you’re a real person and someone apologizes for something. So I’ve been in a stupid ass mood ever since. I even made the mistake of texting him today, knowing he was with his girlfriend and wouldn’t respond. Which just dug the knife in deeper. Yes, I know, I’m a frickin idiot sprinkled with toothpaste and motor oil.

I’ve spent the day in my own head, thinking of all the good times the POS and I had, and forgetting about the savage, evil things he’s done. I was upset with him for ignoring my texts and was taking it personally, to the heart. And I let him hurt me, again. He knows that I hate it when he ignores me, and I know he’s with his girlfriend, that he denies he has. But it just reminded me, after I had the entire day to remind myself, that he doesn’t give two shits about me and the only reason he brought me gifts was so he could expect something from me later. Even though I’d given him a really nice, thoughtful gift, from our daughter. I don’t know how to think. I ruined my whole day, expecting him to respond like I wish he was capable of.

I feel so stupid and I want to punch myself in the face for letting him get to me like that. We’ve been going on with our lives, thanks to me dumping him and going no contact for a very long time. I thought I had it all figured out…and then I failed myself 😦

Published by bosssurvivor

I've only recently (at 43 years old) realized what my life's purpose is. I want to help others by sharing my experiences and creating a space where people can come, to feel supported and safe. I've endured struggles since the day I was born, as many of us have, and it's therapeutic to write about my life. Also, to help others but also to learn and grow by understanding other victims and their experiences as well.

2 thoughts on “Disappointed in myself

    1. Thank you. Most days I know that I’m a good person, a wonderful person. I’ve risen above things I never thought would allow me off the ground. But, it just goes to show how harmful NPD abuse is, and any other form of abuse for that matter. There are people all over this country fighting their own wars. God forbid we have an actual war on our soil. The one good thing is that so many of us are badass warriors now, that nobody has a chance to get us lol. I laugh but I’m serious too. I appreciate your comments. Thank you. Sorry for ranting and raving lol, it’s been one of those days.

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