The aftermath of abuse: Mental Illness

How do you survive?

We all struggle with certain things, being abuse survivors. I’m 43 years old and have never been able to keep my life together. I didn’t finish college, I can’t hold a job, and I have no good decision making skills, it seems.

I’m an amazing, empathetic (to the extreme), kind, thoughtful, spunky, opinionated, woman that loves to write about my experiences. Unfortunately I don’t get paid for it because I’m not good enough at it. But, I’ll continue to write until I can’t use my fingers anymore.

I’ve been through addiction, alcoholism, two very abusive relationships (one marriage lasting 15 years, with a narcissist), struggles in all relationships whether family, friend, or lover. I’ve never been successful in relationships because I choose men like my abusers.

I’ve been abused my entire life, from newborn, and still must deal with two children’s fathers that are both made from the same narcissistic mold and they use my children, and their own manipulation to play games to spite the fact that I left them. They’ve literally ripped my heart out using my children and I still have to deal with it to this day. I don’t know why I have to live a life like this. I deserve so much better, as do you. But how do you do it? How do YOU still struggle and suffer in life? How do you deal with it and what is the best advice you could give about your ability to survive?

Only the good die young

I’ve always wondered, is this all there really is to life? What’s the point?

I’m sure there are some people out there that have some reasoning or logic to answer this question, but call me ignorant or uneducated, I don’t understand why people must go through a life of suffering, for no reason.

Why does it seem like all of the good people on this earth, die young? Meanwhile there are evil and abusive people everywhere that seem to live to 100. I don’t get it. That seems to leave the rest of us with more and more evil to deal with.

They say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….stronger for what? I didn’t realize that life was meant to be a struggle. I’m not sure where I got the idea that life should be filled with happiness, but long ago I realized that that is a myth, a farce, a misunderstanding that children believe in.

In some aspects I do understand the quote from above. I guess I’m happy that I can take on the world without much fear, after being abused in every way, since the day I was born. But, how does that compute? It’s ok that innocent children are abused, neglected, and unloved? That doesn’t make sense to me.

Is this God’s plan for us?

I know, there are religious, christian, God loving people out there that will be disgusted by this question, but really, is this what God intended for us? Lifetimes of abuse and feeling no love or compassion from anyone? I thought people were supposed to be kind to each other, and compassionate, empathetic? How are we supposed to live that way when there are fewer and fewer good people left? I’m a very empathetic, compassionate, and kind person. I understand that that’s what God wants, and I’m not worried about getting into heaven because I’ve earned my way in.

I just don’t understand the meaning of life…

Maybe I’m not meant to.

Trauma Victims: Would you redo life, if you could?

People always say that you’re not supposed to have regrets:

How do you feel about that? After being the victim of trauma, would you go back and take it away, or are you thankful for what being a victim has taught you? After all, we wouldn’t be who we are today, without it.

Clearly nobody on this planet deserves to be abused or hurt in any way, it pains my heart to know that the world is full of sadness and disparities. We see every day, on the news, online, and in our own lives, the horrible way people are treated and the difficult truth of how these events change who we are from that moment on. It changes everything about us. The way we think, the way we trust, the way we love (or the way we never accept love again), the way we live.

So, would you go back and take the trauma away?

Personally, I know that my trauma’s have made me who I am today. I hate myself most days and I’ve become nothing in this world. I have no quality of life left in me. I can’t hold a job, I live my life depressed, I can’t accept or give love or trust in any human being. BUT, I’m also proud of myself in so many ways, for overcoming the evil that’s been done to me. I’m very empathetic (I’m actually an Empath), I want to help anybody and everybody else I possibly can, from being hurt like I have, I’m strong and brave even during the worst moments in life. Although I have my days of falling apart in the midst of some of the worst moments.

So would you go back and take your trauma away or do you appreciate who you are because of it?

Disappointed in myself

I don’t know about ya’ll, but today I’m having a rough day. I had to deal with my ex narcissist yesterday because he had to pick our daughter up. I’ve been shaken up ever since. How the hell does he have that power over me? The power to screw with my emotions and heart, when I’d most certainly stopped giving a shit? Right?

I’ve worked my damn fool heart off, at healing myself, by myself, from the narcissistic abuse and torture my exes have shoved down my throat in the last 22+ years. (I was married to one for 17 (separated after 15) and then dated one for a short time resulting in an amazing angel/monster of a daughter). It must sum up to tens of thousands of hours by now, that I’ve educated myself and attempted to heal myself from these spawns of satan. Why did it only take an hour to revert back to my abused self?

It’s been over 24 hours and thankfully I’m finally coming down from my dumbass attack. But, why? If you read my prior post, I explained how he went from insulting me to the highest (which abusers do), to an hour later bringing me food, smokes, and my favorite bottle of booze. His halfass way of apologizing for being a dick was that he had gotten a piece of metal in his eye a week before and as a result of them digging it out with a needle, he’s had a bad migraine. And this is where my mind drops off the planet….I wanted to believe that he was apologizing in his own way,for talking to me the way he had been, earlier that day.

And lets just understand that this narc isn’t a “gift giver”. The few times I can think of that he ever gave me anything, were times that he was apologizing for some bullshit. So, right then, as I said my mind fell off. My heart swelled up because that’s what happens when you’re a real person and someone apologizes for something. So I’ve been in a stupid ass mood ever since. I even made the mistake of texting him today, knowing he was with his girlfriend and wouldn’t respond. Which just dug the knife in deeper. Yes, I know, I’m a frickin idiot sprinkled with toothpaste and motor oil.

I’ve spent the day in my own head, thinking of all the good times the POS and I had, and forgetting about the savage, evil things he’s done. I was upset with him for ignoring my texts and was taking it personally, to the heart. And I let him hurt me, again. He knows that I hate it when he ignores me, and I know he’s with his girlfriend, that he denies he has. But it just reminded me, after I had the entire day to remind myself, that he doesn’t give two shits about me and the only reason he brought me gifts was so he could expect something from me later. Even though I’d given him a really nice, thoughtful gift, from our daughter. I don’t know how to think. I ruined my whole day, expecting him to respond like I wish he was capable of.

I feel so stupid and I want to punch myself in the face for letting him get to me like that. We’ve been going on with our lives, thanks to me dumping him and going no contact for a very long time. I thought I had it all figured out…and then I failed myself 😦

An apology from a narcissist?

This blog is about mental illness and abuse survivors. It doesn’t matter what type of abuse, what age/s it happened, or what your diagnoses are, we are all in this fight together.

That being said, I’m going to post a lot about narcissism because I’ve been the victim of them from the day I was born. Not only that, the dymanic of a narcissist is so far from a typical person’s psyche that it often blows peoples minds. Including mine. I cannot fathom how their minds work and it draws me to try to understand them better. I’ve done a lot of research on the subject, for over 10 years now, probably closer to 15. I started my journey to acquaint myself with narcissism when I couldn’t figure out why my husband was so f*cking crazy! I phoned a therapist at one point when we’d had one of our 10 separations. I explained all of his behaviors to her and after talking for a little while she threw out the term ‘narcissist’. I’ll get into all of that in another post but that’s a little bit of the history of how I became so enthralled with these crazy-makers.

The narcissist today:

As I stated above, I’ll get into my story more and more over time, it’ll take forever to give all of the details. But,anybody that knows anything about narcissism will probably end up shaking their heads as they’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my God, is she explaining my narc?”.

So today was the day of the week where my ex picks our daughter up from my place. I had asked him if I could possibly keep her an extra couple days to take her to a better doctor, she’s had thick, nasty mucus issues going on forever and his doctors don’t do anything about it. Anyways, he started out being a total ass right off the bat. “Why do you need to take her to the doctor over there (he lives in MN and I’m in WI) when you can just come take her during the week and drop her off at daycare? The thoughts in my head: First of all, dumbass, there’s no reason I can’t have her an extra couple of days so I can bring her to another doctor, a better one, and find out what’s wrong with the poor baby girl (3 years old)?

Oh boy, that lead to both of us spouting off: So, we kept going back and forth. First it was about our daughter going to the doctor and the fact that there’s no reason I can’t have her a couple extra days. Then in went to, “You’re a horrible mother and you’ve never taken care of our daughter maybe you should do something for her for a change.”

Blah blah blah, more of the typical narcissist conversation

Of course everything he’s saying is him trying to make a jab at me, to hurt my feelings. Nothing he said was the truth. He was going on and on about how great he is and how much a piece of shit I am. Insults flying back and forth (yes, I fell into the trap for a second but the point of the text in the first place was about our daughter and he pissed me off because he gives bullshit reasons for not letting me help, and then says I don’t help) and after a few texts back and forth we just gave up and said we’d see each other at 6, pick-up time.

Well paint me pink and call me a piglet:

Sure enough, just before he got to my house (it’s an hour and a half drive), he text me and asked me to make up an excuse to my mom that we needed to go to town for something, so could she watch the youngin. I said, “No Way”, of course. I think half the time when he asks me that (it happens at least once a month and sometimes daily for a week or two), he’s just trying to rile me up and see what I say. Of course he’d do it, but it’s just part of the narc games.

The Gifts:

He came up to the house with my favorite burger from Hardees, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of peach Brandy (my favorite drink). I’m like, WTF? He said, “Merry f*cking Christmas, here’s your present.” {on a side-note, we always fight and/or he just pisses me off on purpose, but I decided to be the bigger person (like I always am) and made him a really sweet fridge magnet with 8 different pictures of him and our daughter. Took me hours to find the perfect photos to put on it. It turned out awesome. He was being a huge asshole the day I brought it to him too, inside baby girl’s backpack. So when I left he found it and thanked me. I didn’t respond to that or talk to him for a week and a half after that. I was so angry the way he treated me on Christmas Eve I wanted to scream and strangle him at the same time. So, I don’t even talk to him very often but I kinda believed that he appreciated the gift. He never gives me shit from the little. Never has. But anyways, that was his reason for bringing the “Christmas presents”.

It hurts my brain

Just another typical narcissist move. It makes you crazy dealing with them, it’s a wonder I haven’t been in the looney bin. For real. But this is how they get you. When you HAVE to communicate with them, it’s difficult to be nice to someone that totally ruined your life (more on that another day), but I can’t stoop to his level, I just can’t. Some people may have declined the “gifts” but hell no. He owes me, you have no idea. It was certainly his narc way to apologize. And then he thanked me again for the magnet I made him, on his way home. So, does this mean that narcissists CAN be sorry? Doubt it.